The Best Of Me

I’ve been wanting to write about my “past life” (my past relationship, that is)…a life filled with deceit and lies…a kind of life that though humbled me to the fullest, was a period of struggle in finding the meaning of true love.

I was in a relationship for a long time…keeping myself together then was a constant battle….I chose to be on my own…living each day, hopeful that the single string holding me up wouldn’t snap. I put on a brave face…a mask that for a long time numbed me…I was faking everything. I guess, I needed to for the world around me still spun…it wouldn’t stop just because I was scarred.

Men can sometimes be really dumb, huh?!?

They can be…but sometimes, women (not all) have the tendency to bring into themselves the painful truth of accepting every lie…”what you don’t know, won’t hurt you” kind of thing. But the reality is…Women know…they hope… they survive.

I couldn’t remember when our relationship was first tested, but I was pretty sure we had enough of those. They said, that what happens the first time, may not happen again, but what happens the second time…will happen again and again…true enough! But how many times are we supposed to forgive? Isn’t that contradicting? I thought then that when you accept the wrongdoing, you forgive. Only to find out in the end, that it would lead to a much greater degree of uncertainty. Every detail remained…every wound bled and every truth hurt…

It wasn’t a good experience to bounce back from…I learned the value of self worth the hard way and it was through these experiences that I drew greater strength from prayers. I sometimes found myself driving to Tagaytay for days of deep thinking, reading and soul searching. Moments with the Lord had indeed saved me. The pain allowed me to realize the things I still have in my life…It wasn’t easy then because I was determined to pursue the impossible, which is keeping the relationship, but with His grace, I succeeded otherwise, that is letting it go and opening myself up to the wonders of my youth. I missed on a lot…I should have given up on this person sooner…one of my deepest regrets so far.

It is history for us now.

A lot of things happened after…words were spoken in desperation, harm was done, stories were told even to the wrong people…but no one truly knew what had transpired except I. I have nothing left for anyone who finds security in lying…who puts himself above material possessions and hides behind the walls of religiosity to cover up the real picture of his frantic existence.

To end this piece…I take the opportunity to thank the friends who have seen me at my worst but still love me to the core. I miss you guys. To quote one of them…”I’m glad you moved on”…I’m so glad I did too…

This is to my parents whose unending love never fails.